superadded to a neuropathic temperament, my constitution would no
doubt have endured the general strain of life better than it has
done. The algolagnia, being one of the congenital conditions of
my sexual instinct, must be considered fundamental, and certainly
has not been eliminated. If I were to allow myself indulgence in
algolagnic reveries they would even now excite me without
difficulty; but I have systematically discouraged them, so that
they give me little or no practical trouble. My erotic dreams,
which years ago were (to the best of my remembrance) frequently
algolagnic, are now almost invariably normal.

"My conjugal relations have always been on the lines of strictly
normal sexuality. I have a deep sense of the obligations of
monogamous marriage, besides a sincere affection for my wife;
consequently I repress as far as possible all sexual
inclinations, such as will come involuntarily sometimes, toward
other women.

"From what I have disclosed, it will be seen that I am but a
frail man; but for many years I have striven honestly and hard to
discipline sexuality within myself, and to regulate it according
to right reason, pure hygiene, and the moral law; and I can but
hope and believe that the Divine Power in which I have endeavored
to trust will in the future, as it has done in the past, working
by natural methods and through the current events of my life,
amend and control my sex life and conduct it to safe and
honorable issues."


HISTORY II.--A.B., married, good general health, dark hair, fair
complexion, short-sighted, and below medium height. Parents both
belong to healthy families, but the mother suffered from nerves
during early years of married life, and the father, a very
energetic and ambitious man, was cold, passionless, and
unscrupulous. A.B. is the oldest child; two of the brothers and
sisters are slightly abnormal, nervously. But, so far as is
known, none of the family has ever been sexually abnormal.

A.B. was a bright, intelligent child, though inclined to be
melancholy (and in later years prone to self-analysis). At
preparatory school was fairly forward in studies, at public
school somewhat backward, at University suddenly took a liking to
intellectual pursuits. Throughout he was slack at games. Has
never been able to learn to swim from nervousness. Can whistle
well. Has always been fond of reading, and would like to have
been an author by profession. He married at 24, and has had two
children, both of whom showed congenital physical abnormalities.

Before the age of 7 or 8 A.B. can remember various trifling
incidents. "One of the games I used to play with my sister," he
writes, "consisted in pretending we were 'father and mother' and
were relieving ourselves at the w.c. We would squat down in
various parts of the room, prolong the simulated act, and talk. I
do not remember what our conversation was about, nor whether I
had an erection. I used also to make water from a balcony into
the garden, and in other unusual places.

"The first occasion on which I can recollect experiencing
sensations or emotions similar in character to later and more
developed feelings of desire was at the age of about 7 or 8, when
I was a dayboy at a large school in a country town and absolutely
innocent as to deed, thought, or knowledge. I fell in love with a
boy with whom I was brought in contact in my class, about my own
age. I remember thinking him pretty. He paid me no attention. I
had no distinct desire, except a wish to be near him, to touch
him, and to kiss him. I blushed if I suddenly saw him, and
thought of him when absent and speculated on my chances of seeing
him again. I was put into a state of high ecstasy when he invited
me to join him and some friends one summer evening in a game of
rounders.

"At the age of 8 I was told by my father's groom where babies
came from and how they were produced. (I already knew the
difference in sexual organs, as my sister and I were bathed in
the same room.) He told me no details about erection, semen, etc.
Nor did he take any liberties with me. I used to notice him
urinating; he used to push back the foreskin and I thought his
penis large.

"When about 8 years old the nursemaid told me that the boy at her
last place had intercourse with his sister. I thought it
disgusting. About a year later I told the nurse I thought the
story of Adam and Eve was not true and that when Eve gave Adam
the apple he had intercourse with her and she was punished by
having children. I don't know if I had thought this out, or if it
had been suggested to me by others. This nurse used often to talk
about my 'tassel.'

"A family of several brothers went to the same school with me,
and we used to indulge in dirty stories, chiefly, however, of the
w.c. type rather than sexual.

"When I was about 10 I learned much from my father's coachman. He
used to talk about the girls he had had intercourse with, and how
he would have liked this with my nursemaid.

"A year later I went to a large day school. I think most of the
boys, if not nearly all, were very ignorant and innocent in
sexual matters. The only incident in this connection I can
recollect is asking a boy to let me see his penis; he did so.

"During the summer holidays, at a watering place I attended a
theatrical performance and fell in love with a girl of about 12
who acted a part. I bought a photograph of her, which I kept and
kissed for several years after. About the same time I thought
rather tenderly of a girl of my own age whose parents knew mine.
I remember feeling that I should like to kiss her. Once I
furtively touched her hair.

"When I was 12 I was sent to a small preparatory boarding
school, in the country. During the holidays I used to talk about
sexual things with my father's footman. He must have told me a
good deal. I used to have erections. One evening, when I was in
bed and everyone else out (my mother and the children in the
country) he came up to my room and tried to put his hand on my
penis. I had been thinking of sexual matters and had an erection.
I resisted, but he persisted, and when he succeeded in touching
me I gave in. He then proceeded to masturbate me. I sank back,
overcome by the pleasant sensation. He then stopped and I went on
myself. In the meantime he had taken out his penis and
masturbated himself before me until the orgasm occurred. I was
disgusted at the sight of his large organ and the semen. He then
left me. I could hardly sleep from excitement. I felt I had been
initiated into a great and delightful mystery.

"I at once fell into the habit of masturbation. It was some
months before I could produce the orgasm; at about 13 a slight
froth came; at about 14 a little semen. I do not know how
frequently I did it--perhaps once or twice a week. I used to feel
ashamed of myself afterward. I told the man I was doing it and he
expressed surprise I had not known about it before he told me. He
warned me to stop doing it or it would injure my health. I
pretended later that I had stopped doing it.

"I practiced solitary masturbation for some months. At first the
semen was small in amount and watery.

"I had not at this time ever succeeded in drawing the foreskin
below the 'corona.' After masturbation I would sometimes feel
local pain in the penis, sometimes pains in the testicles, and
generally a feeling of shame, but not, I think, any lassitude.
The shame was a vague sense of discomfort at having done what I
knew others would regard as dirty. I also experienced fears that
I was injuring my health.

"It was not long before I found other boys at the preparatory
school with whom I talked of sexual things and in some cases
proceeded to acts. The boys were between the ages of 9 and 14;
they left at 14 or 15 for the public schools. We slept in
bedrooms--several in one room.

"There was no general conversation on sexual matters. Few of the
boys knew anything about things--perhaps 7 or 8 out of 40. Before
describing my experiences at the school I may mention that I
cannot remember having at this period any wish to experience
heterosexual intercourse; I knew as yet nothing of homosexual
practices; and I did not have, except in one case, any love or
affection for any of the boys.

"One night, in my bedroom--there were about six of us--we were
talking till rather late. My recollection commences with being
aware that all the boys were asleep except myself and one other,
P. (the son of a clergyman), who was in a bed at exactly the
opposite end of the room. I suppose we must have been talking
about this sort of thing, for I vividly remember having an
erection, and suddenly--as if by premonition--getting out of my
bed, and, with heart beating, going softly over to P.'s bed. He
exhibited no surprise at my presence; a few whispered words took
place; I placed my hand on his penis, and found he had an
erection. I started masturbating him, but he said he had just
finished. I then suggested, getting into bed with him. (I had
never heard at that time of such a thing being done, the idea
arose spontaneously.) He said it was not safe, and placed his
hand on my penis, I think with the object of satisfying and
getting rid of me. He masturbated me till the orgasm occurred.

"I had no further relations with him, except on one occasion,
shortly afterward, when one day, in the w.c. he asked me to
masturbate him. I did so. He did not offer to do the same to me.

"He was a delicate, feeble boy; not good at work; womanish in his
ways; inclined to go in for petty bullying, until a boy showed
fight, when he discovered himself to be an arrant coward. Four or
five years later I met him at the university. His greeting was
cool. My next affair was with a boy who was about my age (13),
strong, full-blooded, coarse, always in 'hot water.' He was the
son of the headmaster of one of the best-known public schools. It
was reported that two brothers had been expelled from this public
school for what we called 'beastliness.' He told me his older
brother used to have intercrural intercourse with him. This was
the first I had heard of this. We used to masturbate mutually. I
had, however, no affection or desire for him.

"With E., another boy, I had no relations, but I remember him as
the first person of the same sex for whom I experienced love. He
was a small, fair, thin, and little boy, some two years younger
than myself, so my inferior in the social hierarchy of a school.

"At the end of my last term I had two disappointments. I was
beaten by a younger and clever boy for the first place in the
school, and also beaten by one point in the competition for the
Athletic Cup by a stronger boy who had only come to the school
that very term. However, as a consolation prize, and as I was
leaving, the headmaster gave me a second prize. This soothed my
hurt feelings, and I remember, just after the 'head' had read out
the prizes, on the last day of term, E., coming up to me, putting
his arm on my shoulder, looking at me rather pensively, and in a
voice that thrilled me and made me wish to kiss and hug him, tell
me he was so glad I had got a prize and that it was a shame that
other chap had beaten me for the cup.

"I was three years (aged 12 to 15) at the preparatory school. I
started in the bottom form and ended second in the school. My
reports were generally good, and I was keen to do well in work. I
was considerably influenced by the 'head.' He was a clergyman,
but a man of wide reading, broad opinion, great scholarship, and
great enthusiasm. We became very friendly.

"During the holidays I now first practiced intercrural
intercourse with a younger brother. I started touching his penis,
and causing erections, when he was about 5. Afterward I got him
to masturbate me and I masturbated him; I used to get him into
bed with me. On one occasion I spontaneously (never having heard
of such a thing) made him take my penis in his mouth.

"This went on for several years. When I was about 16 and he about
10, the old family nurse spoke to me about it. She told me he had
complained of my doing it. I was in great fear that my parents
might hear of it. I went to him; told him I was sorry, but I had
not understood he disliked it, but that I would not do it again.

"About a year later (having persisted in this promise) I made
overtures to him, but he refused. I then commended his conduct,
and said I knew he was quite right, and begged him to refuse
again if I should ever suggest it. I did not ever suggest it
again. For many years I bitterly reproached myself for having
corrupted him. However, I do not think any harm has been done
him. But my self-reproaches have caused me to feel I owe some
reparation to him. I also have more affection for him than for my
other brothers and sisters.

"At the age of 15 I went to one of the large public schools. I
was fairly forward for my age, and entered high. But I made small
progress. I had bad reports; I was 'slack in games,' and not
popular among the boys. In fact, I stood still, so that when I
left I was backward in comparison with other boys of even less
natural intelligence.

"The teaching was certainly bad. Moreover, I had not any friends,
and this made me very sensitive. It was to a great extent my
fault. When I first went there I was taken up by a set above
me--boys who were 'senior' to me in standing. When they left I
found myself alone.

"My unpopularity was increased by my being considered to put on
'side'; also because I paid attention to my dress.

"At the public school I had homosexual relations with various
boys, usually without any passion. With one boy, however, I was
deeply in love for over a year; I thought of him, dreamed of him,
would have been content only to kiss him. But my courtship met
with no success.

"When carrying on with other boys the desire to reach the crisis
was not always strong, perhaps out of shyness or modesty.
Occasionally I had intercrural connection, which gave me the
first intimation of what intercourse with a woman was like. When
I masturbated in solitude I used to continue till the orgasm.

"My housemaster one day sent for me and said he had walked
through my cubicle and noticed a stain on the sheet. At this time
I used to have nocturnal emissions. I cannot remember whether on
this occasion the stain was due to one, or to masturbation. But I
imagined that one did not have 'wet dreams' unless one
masturbated. So when he went on to say that this was a proof that
I was immoral I acknowledged I masturbated. He then told me I
would injure my health--possibly 'weaken my heart,' or 'send
myself mad'; he said that he would ask me to promise never to do
it again.

"I promised. I left humiliated and ashamed of myself; also
generally frightened. He used to send for me every now and then,
and ask me if I had kept my promise. For some months I did. Then
I relapsed, and told him when he asked me. Ultimately he ceased
sending for me--apparently convinced either that I was cured or
that I was incorrigible.

"A year or so afterward he discovered in my study (for I was now
in the upper school and had a study) a French photograph that a
boy had given me, entitled '_Qui est dans ma chambre?_' It
represented a man going by mistake into the wrong bedroom; inside
the room was a woman, in nightdress, in an attitude that
suggested she had just been relieving herself. My housemaster
told me the picture was terribly indecent, and that, taken with
what he knew of my habits, it showed I was not a safe boy to be
in the school. He added that he did not wish to make trouble at
home, but that he advised me to get my parents to remove me at
the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the
ordinary course of things, I should have left.

"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was
removed at the end of that term.

"My first case of true heterosexual passion was with a girl
called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16. My family and
hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of
common knowledge and joking to members of my family. She was a
dark, passionate-looking child, with large eyes that--to
me--seemed full of an inner knowledge of sexual mysteries.
Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful--those were qualities in
her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was
not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.

"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her.
Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I
dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss
her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been
discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons
of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on
her part intensified my fascination for her.

"When I left home to return to school I kissed her--the only
time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection. I thought of
her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter--not
openly passionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been
apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the
letter.

"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not;
to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I
might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly
distressed.

"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had
clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to
her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had
promised. As I grew older, my passion died out. I have hardly
ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain
sentimental feelings toward her.

"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and
healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not
ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical
exercises, and no hobbies.

"During the holidays, in my last year at school, I had gone to
the Royal Aquarium with a school companion. This was followed by
one or two visits to the Empire Theatre. It was then that I first
discovered that sexual intercourse took place outside the limits
of married life. On one occasion my friend talked to one of the
women who were walking about. This same friend spoke to a
prostitute at Oxford. (At this time I went up to the university.)
Once or twice I met this girl. She used to ask about my friend.
My feelings toward her were a combination of admiration for her
physical beauty, a sense of the 'mystery' of her life, and pity
for her isolated position.

"On the whole, my first university term produced considerable
improvement in me. I began to be interested in my work and to
read a fair amount of general literature. I learned to bicycle
and to row. I also made one intimate friend.

"In my first holiday I went to the Empire and made the
acquaintance of a girl there, W.H. She attracted me by her quiet
appearance. I eventually made arrangements to pay her a visit. My
apprehensions consisted of: 1. Fear of catching venereal disease.
This I decided to safeguard by using a 'French letter.' 2. Fear
that she might have a 'bully.'

"The girl showed no sexual desire; but at that time this did not
attract my attention.

"I got very much 'gone' on her, paid her several visits, gave her
some presents I could ill afford, and felt very distressed when
she informed me she was to be married and therefore could not see
me any more.

"My experiences with prostitutes cover a period of twelve years.
During three years of this period I was continually in their
company. I have had intercourse with some two dozen; in some
cases only once; in others on numerous occasions. They have
usually been of the class that frequent Piccadilly, St. James
Restaurant, the Continental Hotel, and the Dancing Clubs. Usual
fee, L2 for the night; in one case, L5.

"1. Not one of them, as far as I knew, was a drunkard.

"2. As a rule, they were not mercenary or dishonest.

"3. In their language and general behavior they compared
favorably with respectable women.

"4. I never caught venereal disease.

"5. I twice caught pediculi.

"6. I did not find them, as a rule, very sensual or fond of
indecent talk. As a rule, they objected to stripping naked; they
did not touch my organs; they did not suggest masturbation,
sodomy, or _fellatio_. They seldom exhibited transports, but the
better among them seemed sentimental and affectionate.

"7. Their accounts of their first fall were nearly always the
same. They got to know a 'gentleman,' often by his addressing
them in the street; he took them about to dinners and theatres;
they were quite innocent and even ignorant; on one occasion they
drank too much; and before they knew what was happening they were
no longer virgins. They do not, however, apparently round on the
man or expose him or refuse to have anything more to do with him.

"8. They state--in common with the outwardly 'respectable' women
whom I have had a chance of catechising--that before the first
intercourse they did not feel any conscious desire for
intercourse and hardly devoted any thought to it, that it was
very painful the first time, and that some time elapsed before
they commenced to derive pleasure from it or to experience the
orgasm.

"E.B. was the second woman I had intercourse with. She was a
prostitute, but very young (about 18) and had only been in London
a few months. I met her first in the St. James Restaurant. I
spoke a few words to her. The next day I saw her in the
Burlington Arcade. I was not much attracted to her; she was
pretty, in a coarse, buxom style; vulgar in manners, voice, and
dress. She asked me to go home with her; I refused. She pressed
me; I said I had no money. She still urged me, just to drive home
with her and talk to her while she dressed for the evening. I
consented. We drove to lodgings in Albany Street. We went in. She
proceeded to kiss me. I remained cold, and told her again I had
no money. She then said: 'That does not matter. You remind me of
a boy I love. I want you to be my fancy boy.' I was flattered by
this. I saw a good deal of her. She was sentimental. I never gave
her any money. When I had some, she refused to take it, but
allowed me to spend a little in buying her a present. On the
night before I left London she wept. She wrote me illiterate, but
affectionate letters. One day she wrote to me that she was to be
kept by a man, but that she had made it a condition with him that
she should be allowed to have me. I had never been in love with
her, because of her vulgarity. I therefore took the earliest
opportunity of letting matters cool, by not writing often, etc.
The next thing I remember was my fascination, a few months later,
for S.H.

"She was not a regular prostitute. She had taken a very minor
part in light opera. She was American by birth, young, slim, and
spoke like a lady. Her hair was dyed; her breasts padded. She
acted sentiment, but was less affectionate than E.B. I met her
when she was out of a job. I gave her L2 whenever I met her. She
was not mercenary. She was sensual. I became very much in love
with her. I discovered her, however, writing letters to a fellow
whom I had met one day when I was walking with her. He was only
an acquaintance, but the brother of my most intimate friend. What
I objected to was that in this letter to him she protested she
did not care for me, but could not afford to give me up. She had
to plead guilty, but I was so fascinated by her I still kept in
with her, for a time, until she was kept by a man, and I had
found other women to interest me.

"Owing to the strict regulations made by the university
authorities, prostitutes find it hard to make a living there, and
I never had anything to do with one. My adventures were among the
shopgirl class, and were of a comparatively innocent nature. One
of them, however, M.S., a very undemonstrative shopgirl, was the
only girl not a prostitute with whom I had so far had
intercourse.

"About this time I made the acquaintance of three other
prostitutes, who, however, were nice, gentle, quiet girls,
neither vulgar nor mercenary. A night passed with them always
meant to me much more than mere intercourse. They
were--especially two of them--of a sentimental nature, and would
go to sleep in my arms. There was, on my part, not any passion,
but a certain sympathy with them, and pity and affection. I
remained faithful to the first, J.H., until she was kept by a
man, and gave up her gentlemen friends. Then came D.V. She got in
the family way and left London. Last, M.P. She was not pretty,
but a good figure, well dressed, a bright conversationalist, and
an intelligent mind. Her regular price for the night was L5, but
when she got to know one she would take one for less and take
one 'on tick.' She was very sensual. On one occasion, between 11
P.M. and about midday the following day I experienced the orgasm
eleven or twelve times.

"During term time I was often prevented from having women by want
of money and absence from London. I considered myself lucky if I
could have a woman once or twice a month. My allowance was not
large enough to admit of such luxuries; and I was only able to do
what I did by being economical in my general expenditure and
living, and by running up bills for whatever I could get on
credit. I lived in the hopes of picking up 'amateurs' who would
give me what I wanted for the love of it and without payment. My
efforts were not very successful at present, except in the case
of M.S. I considered myself very lucky in having discovered her,
and I should have stuck to her for longer but for the rival
attraction of another. There was, however, no deep sentiment on
either side.

"But in order to preserve a continuity in my account of the
women, I have left out two cases of temporary reversion to
homosexual practices. During the periods when I could not get a
woman I had recourse once more to masturbation. At times I had
'wet dreams' in which boys figured; and my thoughts, in waking
hours, sometimes reverted to memories of my school experiences. I
think, however, that I should have preferred a woman."

The homosexual reversions were as follows:--

"1. I had arranged to meet a shopgirl one evening, outside the
town. She did not turn up. The meeting place was a railway
bridge. Waiting there too, a few feet from me, was a boy of about
15. He was employed (I afterward found) by a gardener, and was
waiting to meet his brother, who was engaged on the line. I got
into casual conversation with him, and suddenly found myself
wondering whether he ever masturbated. With a feeling, that I can
only describe by calling it an intuition, I moved nearer him, and
asked: 'Do you ever play with yourself?' He did not seem
surprised at the abruptness of my question, and answered 'yes.' I
thereupon touched his penis, and _found he had an erection_! I
suggested retiring to a bench that was near. We sat down. I
masturbated him till he experienced the orgasm; then
intercrurally. I gave him a shilling, and said good night.

"2. During my last summer at the university I took to gardening.
There was a small piece of garden behind the house in which I had
lodgings. My landlady suggested getting a cousin of hers,
employed by a nurseryman, to supply me with plants, etc. He was a
youth of about 16 or 17, tall, dark, not bad favored in looks. I
forget how many times I saw him--not many, perhaps twice or
thrice; but one day, when he came to see me in my room, about
something connected with the garden, I gave him some old clothes
of mine. He was a great deal taller than myself, and I suggested
his trying on the trousers to see if they would fit. I do not
know whether I made this suggestion with any ulterior motive or
whether I had ever before thought of him in connection with any
sexual relations. I only know that once more, as if guided by
instinct, I felt he would not rebuff me, although certainly no
indecent talk had ever taken place between us. I pretended to
help him to pull up the trousers, and let my hand touch his
penis. He did not resist; and I felt his penis for a few seconds.
I then proposed he should come upstairs to my bedroom. No one was
in the house. We went up. He did not at first have an erection. I
asked why. He said 'because you are strange to me.' He then felt
my penis. Eventually we mutually masturbated one another. I gave
him half a crown.

"Some short time afterward he came again to the house. On this
occasion I attempted _fellatio_. I don't think I had at that time
ever heard of such a practice. He said, however, he did not like
it. He masturbated intercrurally. He said he had never done this
before, although he had had girls. (The other boy also told me he
had had girls.)

"3. On another occasion I was out bicycling. A boy, of about 10
years of age, offered me a bunch of violets for a penny. I told
him I would give him a shilling to pick me a large bunch. I am
not sure if I had any ulterior motive. He proceeded into a wood
on the side of the road; I dismounted from my machine and
followed him. He was a pretty, dark boy. He made water. I went up
to him and asked him to let me feel his penis. He at once jumped
away, and ran off shrieking. I was frightened, mounted my
bicycle, and rode as fast as I could home.

"There was no sentiment in the above cases. It is also to be
noted that in neither instance did I make any arrangements to see
the person again. As far as I can remember, when once I was
satisfied I felt disgust for my act. In the case of women this
was never so.

"Two of the women described in the foregoing pages stand out
above the others. Perhaps I have not sufficiently shown that in
the cases of W.H. and S.H. I felt a considerable degree of
_passion_. W.H. was the first woman with whom I had had
intercourse; this invested her in my heart, with a peculiar
sentiment. In neither case can I be accused of fickleness.
Indeed, I may say that up to this time I had had no opportunity
of being fickle. I never saw enough, or had enough, of a woman to
get a surfeit of her.

"The case I now come to presents the features of the cases of
W.H. and S.H. in a stronger form. I was then 20; I have since
then married; I am a father; my experiences have been many and
varied; but still I must confess that no other woman has ever
stirred my emotions more than--I doubt if as much as--D.C. Up to
date, if there has been any grand passion in my life, it is my
love for her. D.C., when I got to know her--by talking to her in
the street--was a girl of about 20. She was short and plump; dark
hair; dark, mischievous eyes; a fair complexion; small features;
quiet manners, and a sensual _ensemble_. I do not know what her
father was. He was dead, her mother kept a university lodging
house. She spoke and behaved like a lady. She dressed quietly;
was absolutely unmercenary; her intelligence--i.e., her
intellectual calibre--was not great. Her master-passion was one
thing. The first evening I walked out with her she put her hand
down on my penis, before I had even kissed her, and proposed
intercourse. I was surprised, almost embarrassed; she herself led
me to a wall, and standing up made me do it.

"Next day we went away for the day together. I may say she was
_always_ ready and never satisfied. She was sensual rather than
sentimental. She was ready to shower her favors anywhere and to
anyone. My feelings toward her soon became affectionate and
sentimental, and then passionate. I thought of nothing else all
day long; wrote her long letters daily; simply lived to see her.

"I found she was engaged to be married. Her _fiance_, a
schoolmaster, himself used to have intercourse with her, but he
had taken a religious turn and thought it was wicked to do it
until they married. I had intercourse with her on every possible
occasion: in private rooms at hotels, in railway carriages, in a
field, against a wall, and--when the holidays came--she stayed a
night with me in London. She had apparently no fear of getting in
the family way, and never used any precaution. Sensual as she
was, she did not show her feelings by outward demonstration.

"On one occasion she proposed _fellatio_. She said she had done
it to her _fiance_ and liked it. This is the only case I have
known of a woman wishing to do it for the love of it.

"The emotional tension on my nerves--the continual jealousy I was
in, the knowledge that before long she would marry and we must
part--eventually caused me to get ill. She never told me she
loved me more than any other man; yet, owing to my importunity,
she saw much more of me than anyone else. It came to the ears of
her _fiance_ that she was in my company a great deal; there was a
meeting of the three of us--convened at his wish--at which she
had formally, before him, to say 'good-bye' to me. Yet we still
continued to meet and to have intercourse.

"Then the date of her marriage drew near. She wrote me saying that
she could not see me any more. I forced myself, however, on her,
and our relations still continued. Her elder sister interviewed
me and said she would inform the authorities unless I gave her
up; a brother, too, came to see me and made a row.

"I had what I seriously intended to be a last meeting with her.
But after that she came up to London to see me, we went to a
hotel together. We arranged to see one another again, but she did
not write. I had now left the university. I heard she was
married.

"It was now four years since I had first had intercourse with a
woman. During this time I was almost continually under the
influence, either of a definite love affair or of a general
lasciviousness and desire for intercourse with women. My
character and life were naturally affected by this. My studies
were interfered with; I had become extravagant and had run into
debt. It is worthy of note that I had never up to this time
considered the desirability of marriage. This was perhaps chiefly
because I had no means to marry. But even in the midst of my
affairs I always retained sufficient sense to criticise the moral
and intellectual calibre of the women I loved, and I held strong
views on the advisability of mental and moral sympathies and
congenital tastes existing between people who married. In my
amours I had hitherto found no intellectual equality or
sympathies. My passion for D.C. was prompted by (1) the bond that
sexual intercourse with a woman has nearly always produced in my
feelings, (2) her physical beauty, (3) that she was sensual, (4)
that she was a lady, (5) that she was young, (6) that she was not
mercenary. It was kept alive by the obstacles in the way of my
seeing her enough and by her engagement to another.

"The D.C. affair left me worn out emotionally. I reviewed my life
of the last four years. It seemed to show much more heartache,
anxiety, and suffering than pleasure. I concluded that this
unsatisfactory result was inseparable from the pursuit of
illegitimate amours. I saw that my work had been interfered with,
and that I was in debt, owing to the same cause. Yet I felt that
I could never do without a woman. In this quandary I found myself
thinking that marriage was the only salvation for me. Then I
should always have a woman by me. I was sufficiently sensible to
know that unless there were congenial tastes and sympathies, a
marriage could not turn out happily, especially as my chief
interests in life (after woman) were literature, history, and
philosophy. But I imagined that if I could find a girl who would
satisfy the condition of being an intellectual companion to me,
all my troubles would be over; my sexual desire would be
satisfied, and I could devote myself to work.

"In this frame of mind I turned my thoughts more seriously in the
direction of a girl whom I had known for some two years. Her age
was nearly the same as mine. My family and hers were acquainted
with one another. I had established a platonic friendship with
her. Undoubtedly the prime attraction was that she was young and
pretty. But she was also a girl of considerable character.
Without being as well educated as I was, she was above the
average girl in general intelligence. She was fond of reading;
books formed our chief subject of conversation and common
interest. She was, in fact, a girl of more intelligence than I
had yet encountered. On her side, as I afterward discovered, the
interest in me was less purely platonic. Our relations toward one
another were absolutely correct. Yet we were intimate, informal,
and talked on subjects that would be considered forbidden topics
between two young persons by most people. I felt she was a true
friend. She, too, confided to me her troubles.

"We corresponded with one another frequently. Sometimes it
occurred, to me that it was rather strange she should be so keen
to write to me, to hear from me, and to see me; but I had never
thought of her, consciously, except as a friend; I never for a
moment imagined she thought of me except as an interesting and
intelligent friend. Nor did the idea of illicit love ever suggest
itself to me. She was one of those women whose face and
expression put aside any such thought. I was, indeed, inclined to
regard her as a good influence on me, but as passionless. I
confided to her the affair of D.C., which took place during our
acquaintance. She was distressed, but sympathetic and not
prudish. I did not suspect the cause of her distress; I thought
it was owing to her disappointment in the ideals she had formed
of me. She invited me to join her and her family for a part of
the summer (I had now left the university, having obtained my
degree in low honors) and I decided to join them. At this stage
there began to impress itself on my mind the possibility that she
cared for me; also the desirability, if that were so, of becoming
engaged to her. I found my feelings became warmer. On several
occasions we found ourselves alone. Then, one day, our talk
became more personal, more tender; and I kissed her. I do
recollect distinctly the thought flashing through my mind, as she
allowed me to kiss her, that she was not after all the
passionless and 'straight' girl I had thought. But the idea must