lower nature in me was stamped out. I shall always look upon him
as the turning point in my life. I think he wrought some of his
finest influence through his music. He played Beethoven and
Wagner for me for a couple of hours every day for months, and
thus opened up a new world to me.... He is six years older than I
am.

"At 10 years of age we moved to Sweden, a country I hated from
first to last. About this time I began to notice that there was
something strange about myself. I felt myself an alien, and have
done so ever since. An event of importance in my life was, I feel
sure, when my father's sister tried to take away my mother's
character. It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to
beg my parents' pardon. Outwardly the affair was patched up; but
I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister. Jews never
forgive.

"This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was
many years before I could at all control it.

"At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical
American, a year older than myself. One day, while romping, very
much the same thing occurred as with the groom. I still had no
sexual feelings. We remained good friends. I often wished to kiss
him. After the first time he would not allow it. He was very much
liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had
always much money. About ten years later I heard he used to
accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men.

"During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual
intercourse with men. At this time the first signs of hair were
to be seen on my abdomen.

"At the age of 16 a gardener, a married man with family,
initiated me into mutual self-abuse. He lived in the back house
of the apartment house we then inhabited. He was about 40 years
of age, an ugly but muscularly developed man. These practices
took place in the cellar, to which there were three entrances. I
never allowed him to kiss me and the sight of his children always
awoke in me a great feeling of nausea. That was the natural
reaction of a bad conscience. For the man himself I had the
utmost contempt. This man told me of several parks and _pissoirs_
where men met, and I went to these places now and again for
erotic adventure.

"I must here relate that at the age of 16 my mother warned me
against self-abuse. It had the opposite effect, made me curious,
so I began at once. I have continued ever since, at least once a
day. (I have never had an involuntary emission in my whole life.)
Between 17 and 22 it became necessary for me to do so several
times a day. Working at art, painting, and above all music and
beauty have a strong influence over me and set my erotic longings
in violent motion. I have never found this do me any harm.
Abstinence, on the other hand, has a very harmful effect on me,
upsetting the whole nervous and physical system. I often find
that there is a something very much wanting in self-abuse: the
commingling of two human bodies who are _mentally_ as well as
physically in sympathy gives an electrical satisfaction which
quiets the whole nervous system. That at least has been my
experience.

"The gardener left and moved to the country. I then sometimes
visited _pissoirs_ or, as they are often called, 'panoramas'
(because they are round and one sees much there). What I saw in
the parks during the long summer nights was quite a revelation.
During the summer, when the husbands had sent their families in
the country, many of them led a very indiscreet life. What I saw
the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people.
I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and
morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this
time a _sensual pig_. I knew how dangerous these places were on
account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a
double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always
watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of
all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no
condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic
feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment
with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former
schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me.
The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I
saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply
overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and
wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal
instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a
silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went
to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without
the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the
question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year?
Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied
Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my
own character.

"When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a
heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other.
He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He
was extremely refined. He asked me to his rooms. We undressed and
lay down. He had a very beautiful head and a still more beautiful
body. I think that all my erotic feelings were numbed by looking
at his beautiful body. To me anything sensual would have been
sacrilege, I thought, and I can remember the feeling of awe which
came over me. He was them 20 years of age, but his hair was quite
white. First he did not understand, and then he was very gentle
to me. I kept perfectly chaste for three whole months after the
sight of his body. We saw each other often. Eight years later we
met for the last time. He suffered much from melancholia. At that
time I prevented him from committing suicide. This winter,
however, he shot himself.

"At the age of 22 my sister introduced me to a charming,
intelligent and refined, half-English, half-Swedish painter. We
'recognized' each other at once, though we had never seen each
other before, and even knew each other's characters to the
smallest traits. My parents liked him better than any friend I
had ever had. My sister and he were from the first like sister
and brother. The first evening in my home he and I kissed each
other. The women were mad about him. Later I found many men were
too. I was three weeks his senior. He had his own rooms. I have
never felt any such wonderful harmony as when our naked bodies
mingled. It was like floating in ether. With him it was the only
time I had been active in _fellatio_. We were much together,
though not much physically, for he had many love affairs with
women. What I loved was the way he would cut off all advances of
men, I was his 'little brother' and so he calls me to this day.
He is now married in America, and the father of a pretty little
daughter. We are the best of friends to this day.

"The two years in Copenhagen were some of the happiest I have
spent, though nearly the whole time I was in physical pain. In
Austria I found, among the Tyrolese peasants, that the
Englishmen, who come there in winter for sports and in the summer
for mountain climbing, have demoralized the young male peasants
with money. Homosexual intercourse is easy to get if you are
willing to pay the price,--larger in season, less out of season.

"In Italy it is merely a question of money or passion, but
everything in love there is quite transient.

"In Bavaria I found the love and peace 'which passeth all
understanding.' This love and friendship without anything of a
physically intimate nature brought me back from the 'deep black
gulf' to which I was swiftly floating. When I met my friend I was
nearly at the end of my tether. What his love and friendship has
done for me, together with Freud's psychoanalytical system,
nobody will ever know.

"Since being in Berlin, a town I like very much, a new life has
opened for me, a life where one lives as one likes if one does
not have to do with young boys. Here are homosexual baths,
pensions, restaurants, and hotels, where you can go with one of
your own sex at a certain fee per hour. Berlin is a revelation.
But since being here I find the physical erotic side of my nature
is little excited. I suppose it is the old story of 'forbidden
fruit.'

"My parents kept a very hospitable home. The last two years in
Sweden I was never at home. I hated society and knew much too
much about the private histories of those who came to my home.
They all belonged to the highest society. The highest society and
the lowest are very much alike. Of course my parents knew nothing
about these people. When I told my mother a great deal of private
history of people who came to our house, she was thunderstruck
and could at last understand my contempt for so-called good
society. I have visited in later years only in artistic and
theatrical circles; I consider that class of people more natural
than the other class and much more kind-hearted.

"My life has quite another side, the mystic side. But that would
be a much longer story than this. Suffice it to say, I am of a
highly sensitive nature, gifted with second sight." [A detailed
record of the subject's visions, premonitions of death of
acquaintances, etc., has been furnished by him.]

"I tried on four occasions to commit suicide, but I now see there
is nothing to be gained by doing so.

"Two years ago I told my parents about my sexual condition. It
was a frightful blow to them. My father had the circumstances
explained to him; he never understood the matter and never
discussed it with me. Had I told him earlier I feel quite certain
that, with his despotic nature, he would have put me in a
madhouse. My mother and sister have treated me very kindly
always. My brother has disowned me."


HISTORY XVI.--Irish, aged 36; knows of nothing unusual in his
ancestry. His tastes are masculine in every respect. He is
strong, healthy, and fond of exercises and sports. The sexual
instincts are abnormally developed; he confesses to an, enormous
appetite for almost everything,--food, drink, smoking, and all
the good things of life.

At about the age of 14 he practised masturbation with other boys
of the same age, and also had much pleasure in being in bed with
an uncle with whom the same thing was practised. Later on he
practised masturbation with every boy or man with whom he was on
terms of intimacy; to have been in bed with anyone without
anything of the sort taking place would have made sleep
impossible, and rendered him utterly wretched. His erotic dreams
at first were concerned with women, but more recently they are
usually of young men, and very rarely of women. He is mostly
indifferent to women, as also they have always been to him.
Although good-looking, strong, and masculine, he has never known
a woman to be in love with him. When about the age of 18 he
imagined he was in love with a girl; and he had often, between
the ages of 20 to 30, cohabited with prostitutes. He remembers on
one occasion, many years ago, having connection with a woman
seven or eight times in one night, and then having to masturbate
at noon the next day. He is unmarried, and thinks it is unlikely
that he ever will marry, but he adds that if a healthy, handsome,
and intelligent woman fell in love with him he might change his
mind, as it would be lonely to be old and alone, and he would
like to have children.

He is never attracted to men older than himself, and prefers
youths between the ages of 18 and 25. They may be of any class,
but he does not like common people, and is not attached to
uniforms or liveries. The requisite attractions are an
intelligent eye, a voluptuous mouth, and "intelligent teeth." "If
Alcibiades himself tried to woo me," he says, "and had bad teeth,
his labor would be in vain." He has sometimes been the active
participant in _pedicatio_, and has tried the passive rôle out of
curiosity, but prefers _fellatio_.

He does not consider that he is doing anything wrong, and regards
his acts as quite natural. His only regret is the absorbing
nature of his passions, which obtrude themselves in season and
out of season, seldom or never leaving him quiet, and sometimes
making his life a hell. Yet he doubts whether he would change
himself, even if he had the power.


HISTORY XVII.--Age 25; is employed in an ordinary workshop, and
lives in the back alley of a large town in which he was born and
bred. Fair, slight, and refined in appearance. The sexual organs
are normal and well developed, and the sexual passions strong.
His mother is a big masculine woman, and he is much attached to
her. Father is slight and weakly. He has seven brothers and one
sister. Homosexual desires began at an early age, though he does
not seem to have come under any perverse influences. He is not
inclined to masturbation. Erotic dreams are always of males. He
declares he never cared for any woman except his mother, and that
he could not endure to sleep with a woman.

He says he generally falls in love with a man at first sight--as
a rule, some one older than himself and of higher class--and
longs to sleep and be with him. In one case he fell in love with
a man twice his own age, and would not rest until he had won his
affection. He does not much care what form the sexual relation
takes. He is sensitive and feminine by nature, gentle, and
affectionate. He is neat and orderly in his habits, and fond of
housework; helps his mother in washing, etc. He appears to think
that male attachments are perfectly natural.


HISTORY XVIII.--Englishman, born in Paris; aged 26; an actor. He
belongs to an old English family; his father, so far as he is
aware, had no homosexual inclinations, nor had any of his
ancestors on the paternal side; but he believes that his
mother's family, and especially a maternal uncle who had a strong
feeling for beauty of form, were more akin to him in this
respect.

His earliest recollections show an attraction for males. At
children's parties he incurred his father's anger by kissing
other small boys, and his feelings grew in intensity with years.
He has never practised self-abuse, and seldom had erotic dreams;
when they do occur they are about males.

His physical feeling for women is one of absolute indifference.
He admires beautiful women in the same way as one admires
beautiful scenery. At the same time he likes to talk with clever
women, and has formed many friendships with frank, pure, and
cultivated English girls, for whom he has the utmost admiration
and respect. Marriage is impossible, because physical pleasure
with women is impossible; he has tried, but cannot obtain, the
slightest sexual feeling or excitement.

He especially admires youths (though they must not be immature)
from 16 or 17 to about 25. The type which physically appeals to
him most, and to which he appeals, is fair, smooth-skinned,
gentle, rather girlish and effeminate, with the effeminacy of the
_ingénue_, not the _cocotte_. His favorite to attract him must be
submissive and womanly; he likes to be the man and the master. On
this point he adds: "The great passion of my life is an
exception, and stands on an utterly different level. It realizes
an ideal of marriage in which neither is master, but both share a
joint empire, and in which tyranny would be equally painful to
both. But this friendship and love is for an equal, a year
younger than myself, and does not preclude other and less
creditable _liaisons, physical_ constancy being impossible to men
of our caliber."

_Pedicatio_ is the satisfaction he prefers, provided he takes the
active, never the passive, rôle. He is handsome, with broad
shoulders, good figure, and somewhat classic type of face, with
fine blue eyes. He likes boating and skating, though not cricket
or football, and is usually ready for fun, but has, at the same
time, a taste for reading.

He has no moral feelings on these matters; he regards them as
outside ethics, mere matters of temperament and social feeling.
If England were underpopulated he thinks he might possibly feel
some slight pangs of remorse; but, as things are, he feels that
in prostituting males rather than females he is doing a
meritorious action.


HISTORY XIX.--T.N. His history is given in his own words.

"From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been
attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried
off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere.
When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle
mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was
fairly frequent and I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13.
After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until
I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong,
well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest
and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to
a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent
him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to
obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although if
_he_ only had been present I should not have done so, but
welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let
him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat
undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us.
About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged
in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one
of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of
love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so
arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to
me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back
all these years to that night with pleasure and no feeling of
shame. On one occasion, about this time, I happened to be
sleeping with another young fellow (an office mate) on a holiday,
when I awoke and found him handling my penis caressingly. I
gently removed his hand and turned over. I thought none the less
of him, but my body seemed to belong only to myself and the
friend I loved. He was not an urning, I am sure, but we Were
often together and I much entered into his interests and felt
infinite satisfaction with life, made good progress and many
friends. Our physical intimacy was repeated, he taking the active
part in intercrural contact. Then he married very happily. Our
friendship remains, but circumstances prevent our often meeting,
and there is no longer desire on either part.

"For some years I was rather lonely in spite of friends. I was
somewhat attracted to another man, but his superior social
position was a defect to me. Then when about 28 I came in contact
with a young man of 24, of the artisan class, but superior in
ideals and intelligence to most men. I loved him at first glance
and to this day. At first it was just friendship, but soon his
form, voice, and thoughts entered into my very soul by day and
night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and
help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home,
friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world,
preferably an island where we two might at least be the only
white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of
knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the
desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my
character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon
courage to put my arm over his chest, but I could not sleep for
unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull
pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might
be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was
very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him
laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I
should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt
pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I
dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the
greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the
hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating.
Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this
time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I
felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened
once more, and then on a later occasion,--not that it afforded me
much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to
ardor,--I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I
was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and,
although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but
what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved
erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful
attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted
two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I
was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but
I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made
next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now
felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as
other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain
extent, I did not realize the true reason of his coldness. But I
felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long
known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I
told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my
limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my
friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand
why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a
certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had
expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found
that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was
my own action, combined with a feeling on his part that it was as
well that our affection should cease even at the cost of
misunderstanding. Since then, three years ago, I have not had a
happy day or night, and am therefore quite unable to promote
happiness in others. Without my friend, I can find no
satisfaction with wife, child, or home. Life has become almost
unbearable. Often I have seriously thought of committing suicide,
only to postpone it to a time which would be less cruelly
inopportune to others. I see my friend (now married) almost
daily, and suffer tortures at seeing others nearer to him than
myself. No explanation seems possible, as the whole idea of
inversion is so repugnant to him, and being an honorable man he
would feel marital ties preclude _any_ warmth of affection. But
all the longing of my life seems to be culminating in a driving
force which will carry me to the male prostitute or to death. I
can concentrate my mind on nothing else, and consequently have
become inefficient in work and have no heart for play. I know if
my longings could be occasionally satisfied I should immediately
recover, but my fear is that if I killed myself those who knew me
in happier days would only be confirmed in the impression of my
degeneracy and would feel my instincts had caused it, whereas it
is the denial and starvation of them which would have brought
about the result. I know now by experience of self and others
that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered
unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too
late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who
married misled me to think I too _could_ marry and make a happy
home; so that when the man I loved advised me I resolved to do
so, as I would have done almost anything else _he_ suggested. If
I could have withdrawn from the engagement without embarrassment
to the devoted woman who became my wife I would have done so, if
she gave me the opportunity. Nothing in my married state has
brought me pleasure and I often wish my wife would cease to love
me so that we might separate. But she would be heart-broken at
the suggestion and I feel driven to attempt to relieve my
feelings even in a way that has previously seemed repulsive to
me,--I mean by use of money.

"About my feelings toward my child there is not much to say, as
they are not very strong. I believe I carry him and help bathe
and attend to him as much as most fathers, and when he is a few
years older I hope I may find him very companionable. But he has
brought me no real joy, though I see other men look at him almost
with affection. But he has brought added happiness to his
mother."

The next case is interesting as showing the mental and emotional
development in a very radical case of sexual inversion.


HISTORY XX.--Englishman, of independent means, aged 49. His
father and his father's family were robust, healthy, and
prolific. On his mother's side, phthisis, insanity, and
eccentricity are traceable. He belongs to a large family, some of
whom died in early childhood and at birth, while others are
normal. He himself was a weakly and highly nervous child, subject
to night-terrors and somnambulism, excessive shyness and
religious disquietude.

Sexual consciousness awoke before the age of 8, when his
attention was directed to his own penis. His nurse, while out
walking with him one day, told him that when little boys grow'
up their penes fall off. The nursery-maid sniggered, and he felt
that there must be something peculiar about the penis. He
suffered from; irritability of the prepuce, and the nurse
powdered it before he went to sleep. There was no transition from
this to self-abuse.

About the same time he became subject to curious half-waking
dreams. In these he imagined himself the servant of several adult
naked sailors; he crouched between their thighs and called
himself their dirty pig, and by their orders he performed
services for their genitals and buttocks, which he contemplated
and handled with relish. At about the same period, when these
visions began to come to him, he casually heard that a man used
to come and expose his person before the window of a room where
the maids sat; this troubled him vaguely. Between the age of 8
and 11 he twice took the penis of a cousin into his mouth, after
they had slept together; the feeling of the penis pleased him.
When sleeping with another cousin, they used to lie with hands
outstretched to cover each other's penis or nates. He preferred
the nates, but his cousin the penis. Neither of these cousins was
homosexual, and there was no attempt at mutual masturbation. He
was in the habit of playing with five male cousins. One of these
boys was unpopular with the others, and they invented a method of
punishing him for supposed offenses. They sat around the room on
chairs, each with his penis exposed, and the boy to be punished
went around the room on his knees and took each penis into his
mouth in turn. This was supposed to humiliate him. It did not
lead to masturbation. On one occasion the child accidentally
observed a boy who sat next to him in school playing with his
penis and caressing it. This gave him a powerful, uneasy
sensation. With regard to all these points the subject observes
that none of the boys with whom he was connected at this period,
and who were exposed to precisely the same influences, became
homosexual.

He was himself, from the first, indifferent to the opposite sex.
In early childhood, and up to the age of 13, he had frequent
opportunities of closely inspecting the sexual organs of girls,
his playfellows. These roused no sexual excitement. On the
contrary, the smell of the female parts affected him
disagreeably. When he once saw a schoolfellow copulating with a
little girl, it gave him a sense of mystical horror. Nor did the
sight of the male organs arouse any particular sensations. He is,
however, of opinion that, living with his sisters in childhood,
he felt more curious about his own sex as being more remote from
him. He showed no effeminacy in his preferences for games or
work.

He went to a public school. Here he was provoked by boy friends
to masturbate, but, though he often saw the act in process, it
only inspired him with a sense of indecency. In his fifteenth
year puberty commenced with nocturnal emissions, and, at the
same time, he began to masturbate, and continued to do so about
once a week, or once a fortnight, during a period of eight
months; always with a feeling that that was a poor satisfaction
and repulsive. His thoughts were not directed either to males or
females while masturbating. He spoke to his father about these
signs of puberty, and by his father's advice he entirely
abandoned onanism; he only resumed the practice, to some extent,
after the age of 30, when he was without male comradeship.

The nocturnal emissions, after he had abandoned self-abuse,
became very frequent and exhausting. They were medically treated
by tonics such as quinine and strychnine. He thinks this
treatment exaggerated his neurosis.

All this time, no kind of sexual feeling for girls made itself
felt. He could not understand what his schoolfellows found in
women, or the stories they told about wantonness and delight of
coitus.

His old dreams about the sailors had disappeared. But now he
enjoyed visions of beautiful young men and exquisite statues; he
often shed tears when he thought of them. These dreams persisted
for years. But another kind gradually usurped their place to some
extent. These second visions took the form of the large, erect
organs of naked young grooms or peasants. These gross visions
offended his taste and hurt him, though, at the same time, they
evoked a strong, active desire for possession; he took a strange,
poetic pleasure in the ideal form. But the seminal losses which
accompanied both kinds of dreams were a perpetual source of
misery to him.

There is no doubt that at this time--that is, between the
fifteenth and seventeenth years--a homosexual diathesis had
become established. He never frequented loose women, though he
sometimes thought that would be the best way of combating his
growing inclination for males. And he thinks that he might have
brought himself to indulge freely in purely sexual pleasure with
women if he made their first acquaintance in a male costume, as
_débardeuses, Cherubino_, court-pages, young halberdiers, as it
is only when so clothed that women on the stage or in the
ball-room have excited him.

His ideal of morality and fear of venereal infection, more than
physical incapacity, kept him what is called chaste. He never
dreamed of women, never sought their society, never felt the
slightest sexual excitement in their presence, never idealized
them. Esthetically, he thought them far less beautiful than men.
Statues and pictures of naked women had no attraction for him,
while all objects of art which represented handsome males deeply
stirred him.

It was in his eighteenth year that an event occurred which he
regards as decisive in his development. He read Plato. A new
world opened, and he felt that his own nature had been revealed.
Next year he formed a passionate, but pure, friendship with a boy
of 15. Personal contact with the boy caused erection, extreme
agitation, and aching pleasure, but not ejaculation. Through four
years he never saw the boy naked or touched him pruriently. Only
twice he kissed him. He says that these two kisses were the most
perfect joys he ever felt.

His father now became seriously anxious both about his health and
his reputation. He warned him of the social and legal dangers
attending his temperament. But he did not encourage him to try
coitus with women. He himself thinks that his own sense of danger
might have made this method successful, or that, at all events,
the habit of intercourse with women might have lessened neurosis
and diverted his mind to some extent from homosexual thoughts.

A period of great pain and anxiety now opened for him. But his
neurasthenia increased; he suffered from insomnia, obscure
cerebral discomfort, stammering, chronic conjunctivitis,
inability to concentrate his attention, and dejection. Meanwhile
his homosexual emotions strengthened, and assumed a more sensual
character. He abstained from indulging them, as also from
onanism, but he was often forced, with shame and reluctance, to
frequent places--baths, urinaries, and so forth--where there were
opportunities of seeing naked men.

Having no passion for women, it was easy to avoid them. Yet they
inspired him with no exact horror. He used to dream of finding an
exit from his painful situation by cohabitation with some coarse,
boyish girl of the people; but his dread of syphilis stood in the
way. He felt, however, that he must conquer himself by efforts of
will, and by a persistent direction of his thoughts to
heterosexual images. He sought the society of distinguished
women. Once he coaxed up a romantic affection for a young girl of
15, which came to nothing, probably because the girl felt the
want of absolute passion in his wooing. She excited his
imagination, and he really loved her; but she did not, even in
the closest contact, stimulate his sexual appetite. Once, when he
kissed her just after she had risen from bed in the morning, a
curious physical repugnance came over him, attended with a sad
feeling of disappointment.

He was strongly advised to marry by physicians. At last he did
so. He found that he was potent, and begot several children, but
he also found, to his disappointment, that the tyranny of the
male genital organs on his fancy increased. Owing to this cause
his physical, mental, and moral discomfort became acute. His
health gave way.

At about the age of 30, unable to endure his position any longer,
he at last yielded to his sexual inclinations. As he began to do
this, he also began to regain calm and comparative health. He
formed a close alliance with a youth of 19. This _liaison_ was
largely sentimental, and marked by a kind of etherealized
sensuality. It involved no sexual acts beyond kissing, naked
contact, and rare involuntary emissions. About the age of 36 he
began freely to follow homosexual inclinations. After this he
rapidly recovered his health. The neurotic disturbances subsided.

He has always loved men younger than himself. At about the age of
27 he had begun to admire young soldiers. Since he yielded freely
to his inclinations the men he has sought are invariably persons
of a lower social rank than his own. He carried on one _liaison_
continuously for twelve years; it began without passion on the
friend's side, but gradually grew to nearly equal strength on
both sides. He is not attracted by uniforms, but seeks some
uncontaminated child of nature.

The methods of satisfaction have varied with the phases of his
passion. At first they were romantic and Platonic, when a
hand-touch, a rare kiss, or mere presence sufficed. In the second
period sleeping side by side, inspection of the naked body of the
loved man, embracements, and occasional emissions after prolonged
contact. In the third period the gratification became more
frankly sensual. It took every shape: mutual masturbation,
intercrural coitus, _fellatio, irrumatio_, and occasionally
active _pedicatio_; always according to the inclination or
concession of the beloved male.

He himself always plays the active, masculine part. He never
yields himself to the other, and he asserts that he never has the
joy of finding himself desired with ardor equal to his own. He
does not shrink from passive _pedicatio_; but it is never
demanded of him. Coitus with males, as above described, always
seems to him healthy and natural; it leaves a deep sense of
well-being, and has cemented durable friendships. He has always
sought to form permanent ties with the men whom he has adored so
excessively.

He is of medium height, not robust, but with great nervous
energy, with strong power of will and self-control, able to
resist fatigue and changes of external circumstances.

In boyhood he had no liking for female occupations, or for the
society of girls, preferring study and solitude. He avoided games
and the noisy occupations of boys, but was only non-masculine in
his indifference to sport, was never feminine in dress or habit.
He never succeeded in his attempts to whistle. He is a great
smoker, and has at times drunk much. He likes riding, skating,
and climbing, but is a poor horseman, and is clumsy with his
hands. He has no capacity for the fine arts and music, though
much interested in them, and is a prolific author.

He has suffered extremely throughout life, owing to his sense of
the difference between himself and normal human beings. No
pleasure he has enjoyed, he declares, can equal a thousandth
part of the pain caused by the internal consciousness of
pariahdom. The utmost he can plead in his own defense, he admits,
is irresponsibility, for he acknowledges that his impulse may be
morbid. But he feels absolutely certain that in early life his
health was ruined and his moral repose destroyed owing to the
perpetual conflict with his own inborn nature, and that relief
and strength came with indulgence. Although he always has before
him the terror of discovery, he is convinced that his sexual
dealings with men have been thoroughly wholesome to himself,
largely increasing his physical, moral, and intellectual energy,
and not injurious to others. He has no sense whatever of moral
wrong in his actions, and he regards the attitude of society
toward those in his position as utterly unjust and founded on
false principles.

The next case is, like the foregoing, that of a successful man of letters
who also passed through a long period of mental conflict before he became
reconciled to his homosexual instincts. He belongs to a family who are all
healthy and have shown marked ability in different intellectual
departments. He feels certain that one of his brothers is as absolute an
invert as himself and that another is attracted to both sexes. I am
indebted to him for the following detailed narrative, describing his
emotions and experiences in childhood, which I regard as of very great
interest, not only as a contribution to the psychology of inversion, but
to the embryology of the sexual emotions generally. We here see described,
in an unduly precocious and hyperesthetic form, ideas and feelings which,
in a slighter and more fragmentary shape, may be paralleled in the early
experiences of many normal men and women. But it must be rare to find so
many points in sexual psychology so definitely illustrated in a single
child. It may be added that the narrative is also not without interest as
a study in the evolution of a man of letters; a child whose imagination
was thus early exercised and developed was predestined for a literary
career.


HISTORY XXI.--"Almost the earliest recollection I have is of a
dream, which, from my vivid recollection of its details, must
have repeated itself, I think, more than once, unless my waking
thoughts unconsciously added definition. From this dream dated my
consciousness of the attraction to me of my own sex, which has
ever since dominated my life. The dream, suggested in part, I
think, by a picture in an illustrated newspaper of a mob
murdering a church dignitary, took this form: I dreamed that I
saw my own father murdered by a gang of ruffians, but I do not
remember that I felt any grief, though I was actually an
exceedingly affectionate child. The body was then stripped of its
clothing and eviscerated. I had at the time no notion of
anatomical details; but the particulars remain distinct to my
mind's eye, of entrails uniformly brown, the color of dung, and
there was no accompaniment of blood. When the abdomen had been
emptied, the incident in which I became an active participant
occurred. I was seized (and the fact that I was overpowered
contributed to the agony of delight it afforded me) and was laid
between the thighs of my murdered parent; and from there I had
presently crawled my way into the evacuated, abdomen. The act, so
far as I can decide of a dream at an age when emission was out of
the question, caused in me extreme organic excitement. At all
events, I used afterward definitely to recur to it in the waking
moments before sleep for the purpose of gaining a state of
erection. The dream had no outcome; it seemed to reach its goal
in the excitement it caused. I was at that time between 3 and 4
years old. (I have been told that erections occurred when I was
only 2 years old. It was between 3 and 4 that I used to induce,
at all events, the _sensation_ of an erection. But I was nearer 5